The Stories That Define Us
Stories are very powerful. They can help articulate who we are, they can aid in survival and they can define us. But stories can also limit us. They can make us believe that we are still a certain person even though we are no l0nger that person. They can pin us to the past and not allow us to see the beauty of the present. When this happens, it is time to really look at the story we are telling ourselves and reevaluate whether or not it still belongs in your life.
My Story
I have debated for a long time about whether or not I should share my story. When I saw that today’s wishcasting prompt from the lovely Jamie Ridler was: What story do you wish to live or let go of? I decided that this was a wink from the universe letting me know that it was time to share my story.
My story begins at four years old. I was a bright and cheery child who loved art and had knack for reading. I started kindergarten that year and I was a generally happy and well adjusted child. That was also the year that a family member began molesting me. Before long inappropriate touching turned to rape and every so often turned to daily. I spent seventeen years of my life in this situation because I was scared, threatened and unsure of how to get out of it. On December 3, 2007 I ran away from it all. I ran far and fast and with time and a little bit of distance got the police involved and began the process of rebuilding my life. Today I am still in the process of healing and surviving. Trying to put the pieces of my life back together and figure out what it is like to live without the fear of abuse.
The Many Faces of This Story
I have to tell my story quite often in different manifestations. To strangers who ask about my family, I tell it in a sugar coated way. To my therapist who is encouraging me to dig deeper, I tell it without holding back. To the legal system, I tell it as it happened. To my friends, I tell it as honestly as I can in any given moment. T0 myself, I tell it in a hurtful way.
What story do I wish to let go of?
Internally I tell myself that the rape, the molestation, the beatings and the various broken bones were all my fault. I come up with a number of logical and valid reasons to justify how I made the abuse happen. All of the things that I did and didn’t do to make it continue to happen. I tell this story to myself frequently because it is comfortable. But I know longer want to tell this story. Partly because it is untrue and partly because it does not do justice to me and the person I am today. For so long this story has defined me. But I am ready to let go of it and let a new story define me.
What story do I wish to tell?
I wish to tell the story of a young girl who went through incomprehensible trauma but was able to survive and is working hard to create a life full of safety love and laughter.
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Comments
I love your honesty and the way you write..
I am so glad you’ve decided to let go of that negative story- that must have have been a horrible horrible experience and the last thing that you should do is blame yourself. *lots of hugs and love*
Posted by: Lavanya | February 3rd, 2010 16:55
What courage it took to tell this story. If you possess the courage to tell it, you possess the courage to let it go.
As ellecubed wishes for herself, so I lovingly wish for her also.
Posted by: Linnea@cafemercury | February 3rd, 2010 17:39
Lexi, thank you for sharing your story so honestly. I have been in a place similar to yours and I want to encourage you to continue believing in the story of someone who has survived an incomprehensible and senseless trauma and come out on the other side to thrive. Perhaps one day I will be able to tell my story as openly and honestly as you have here on your blog. As Lexi wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Posted by: Sulwyn | February 3rd, 2010 18:14
As Lexi wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Here’s to brave and beautiful, talented, wonderful you. Here’s to the new story – full of love, safety and laughter.
((bighugs))
Jamie
Posted by: jamie | February 3rd, 2010 18:43
What an incredibly brave and honest post.
*hugs*
Posted by: Lauren | February 3rd, 2010 19:27
As Lexie wishes for herself, I wish for her as well. You are an incredibly powerful person filled with honesty and wisdom. Here is to your life – may it be filled with safety, love, and laughter.
Posted by: Ginny | February 3rd, 2010 19:55
Like other commenters before me, I found your sharing this story to be very brave and powerful. May your past stories stay in the past, and may the story you wish for become your present.
As Lexi wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Posted by: Rebekah | February 3rd, 2010 19:58
Lexie,
Your post will forever remain in my mind and heart. I cry tears for what you’ve endured. No, that’s not the right word. “For what you’ve survived.” I pray for you to create a life of love, safety and laughter.
(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
As Lexie wishes for herself, I wish for Lexie also.
Posted by: Cindy | February 3rd, 2010 20:04
You are so brave. I admire you tremendously.
Thank you for sharing such a personal and powerful story with us.
*Hugs*
Posted by: AnalieseMarie | February 3rd, 2010 20:52
As Lexi wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
A gentle hug for the girl you were and for the woman you are.
Posted by: Paula - Buenos Aires | February 3rd, 2010 21:56
You are AWESOME! As Lexi wishes for herself, so I wish for her also!
Posted by: Rochelle | February 4th, 2010 02:34
I admire your bravery and honesty. I wish you all the best as you “create a life full of safety love and laughter”.
Posted by: Alison Day | February 4th, 2010 03:39
You are very courageous to have survived and been able to tell your story. I wish you peace & joy as you continue on your journey.
As ellecubed wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Posted by: LissaL | February 4th, 2010 10:02
Wow, how courageous of you to share. Trauma is trauma, no matter how big or small. But it takes a very strong and wise person to get past it and move on with her life…you did it!
Story telling is so powerful with trauma, and I imagine it was helpful for you since you had the bravery to post it.
The past is the past, and it how we define the past and we decide to take from it that shapes us. I hope many many good things come to you in the future.
Posted by: TheAnalyst | February 4th, 2010 13:52
Hi Ellecubed,
Beautiful written and brave post. I wish for you to tell the story in the way that empowers you and others who’ve gone through similar situations. I see you helping other women by revealing what happened.
I love your sparklets. They radiate light and beauty.
Wishing you a powerful year!
Giulietta
Posted by: Giulietta | February 4th, 2010 14:33
your courage to tell (and re-tell) your story and to heal from is is amazing.
i hope your new story is full of peace
as you wish for yourself, so i wish for you also!
Posted by: alisha | February 4th, 2010 15:19
Lexi, your courage in all of this is incredibly inspiring. I’m so, so glad you are able to share your story, and it is such a privilege to be one of the people you have chosen to share it with.
I look forward to reading your new story – the story of the real, true, authentic you that has always been at the core of your being.
Posted by: Kiki | February 4th, 2010 15:43
What a brave, honest, heart-wrenching post!
As Lexie wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
God bless!
Posted by: Bev | February 4th, 2010 22:40
As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.
{{{Hugs}}}
lucy
Posted by: Lucy | February 5th, 2010 09:43
As Lexi wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Thank you for sharing your story and your journey with us… what an incredible woman you are for being able to share your story.
Posted by: Pam | February 5th, 2010 23:40
Thank you all for your lovely responses. They have truly touched me.
Posted by: Ellecubed | February 6th, 2010 02:06
lexi: the power of telling your story, unleashing the information into a world of stories is so powerful, so unstoppable, so ripe with potential, that you neither can control it or harness it once you have. we now rally to rise with you, to tell this story, to echo your courage and your bravery from rooftops. i am full-hearted and in such awe of your story, your strength, and your authenticity. “I wish to tell the story of a young girl who went through incomprehensible trauma but was able to survive and is working hard to create a life full of safety love and laughter” yes. yes. yes. you are telling this story fantastically. we are here for the next chapter. much love~ stephanie
Posted by: stephanie alaine | February 6th, 2010 13:22