The Mean Reds
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat, and maybe it’s been raining too long. You’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid, and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling??
I have a case of the mean reds. This particular case of the mean reds has left me gripping for authenticity and not wanting to sugar coat things. You see I try really hard to focus on the good and positive things in my life. But sometimes the mean reds slip in and I am left with a big pile of grief, fear and anger. My usual response to the mean reds is to pretend that they are not happening, to completely ignore my feelings and go on pretending that I am okay and everything is happy and dandy.
I give myself permission to authentically express my emotions
I give myself permission to have the mean reds and not hide that I am having them
Today I am sad and grieving. I am missing my beloved friend and coming to grips with the fact that she is no longer a part of my present or future. I am listening to Melancholy Blue and remembering how my life was with her and recognizing the pain of living without her.
Today I am angry. Angry for the little girl that I was who was unable to fight back. Angry that my body now holds within it the marks of years of trauma. Angry that justice is an uneven process and I have to fight like hell to get it.
Today I am scared. Scared about the future. Scared about who I am becoming (even though I know she is wonderful and authentic). Scared about what I am leaving behind.
This post is a response to this weeks Wishcasting prompt by the lovely Jamie Ridler. This week she asks, “What do you wish to give yourself permission for?”
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Comments
I am glad that you are not sugar coating your feelings. So many times we all do and honestly it is better to get those feelings out in the open so that healing may start. I am so proud of how far you have come and facing your fears is brave! I am a HUGE believer in Guardian Angels perhaps your friend is yours and will guide you through this process. Big Hugs! xoxo
Posted by: Carolyn | February 24th, 2010 17:30
As Lexi wishes for herself, so I wish for her also. Keep fighting, keep going.
Posted by: Sulwyn | February 24th, 2010 18:12
As Elle wishes for herself, so I wish for her also!
You have every right to express all those feelings – may you keep well and be strong.
Posted by: Bev | February 24th, 2010 18:22
Good for you for not hiding from the fear and anger.
As Elle wishes for herself, so I wish for her as well.
xo
Posted by: pixiemama | February 24th, 2010 19:07
As Elle wishes for herself, so I wish for her also!
Posted by: aimee/mymidlifecreativities | February 24th, 2010 19:15
As Lexi wishes for herself, I wish for her as well.
Posted by: Ginny | February 24th, 2010 19:29
The mean reds sound familiar. I am visited by the Doubts, a family of anxiety and fear. I tell myself, this to shall pass.
As you wish for yourself, I wish for you as well.
Posted by: Courtney | February 24th, 2010 20:36
The mean reds can cleanse you and heal you. They will come back meaner and redder if you keep pushing them away. I’ve not experienced your traumas, but I know what it’s like to shove your “Inner Eris” (as I like to call the mean reds, after the Greek Goddess of Discord) into a box. She doesn’t like it and starts fighting like hell to get out.
It’s OK. Let her out. I’ll love you anyway.
As Lexi wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Posted by: Linnea@cafemercury | February 24th, 2010 21:19
Wow–powerful emotions! It is healthy to let it all out. Let the mean reds have the day and then you can move on. As Elle wishes for herself, I wish for her also.
BTW, Are you Elle or Lexi?
Posted by: Gina | February 24th, 2010 23:48
I would give you a HUGE hug if i could. xoxoxoxo darling. You are doing amazing things.
Posted by: Carolyn | February 25th, 2010 22:14
As you wish for your self, so I wish for you also. And for all who are healing. The journey is not easy (I know). Know that when you need us, we are here, connected, just a tug of the web and are at your side.
Blessings.
Posted by: Sara B | February 26th, 2010 11:28
i am so impressed with you! blogging straight from the heart. i know your friend would be so proud of you! sending you healing, loving vibes. hugs sweetie!!
Posted by: melita | February 28th, 2010 23:33
beautifully honest post, lexi. you’re doing a gorgeous job of embracing life as you are. i definitely needed a reminder of the mean reds. i love breakfast at tiffany’s. xo
Posted by: kaileenelise | March 13th, 2010 22:30