Ellecubed

It is almost then end of July and that means it is time to take a look back on the goals that I set out at the beginning of this month. I realize now that they might have been a tiny bit unrealistic. Here were my July goals:

• Find a lovely and cute 1 bedroom apartment for September 1st. Done! I get the keys on August 31st and cannot wait to start unpacking and settling in to my new life.
• Go on one artist date per week with the theme of embracing magic. Le fail! I did not go on a single artist date this month. I am hoping to remedy this in September when my schedule slow down.
• Ride my bike Betty and write about our journey so far. Done! I took Betty for a spin almost every day this month. I particularly enjoyed spending time with her in High Park.
• Post on this blog every weekday for the entire month. Le fail! I wrote tons of blog posts for this blog but failed to post them out of fear.
• Read and write about the FireStarter Sessions + bake a send promised vegan cookies to the lovely Danielle Laporte. Half Done! I am about half way through the FireStarter Sessions (look for a review when I am done) and I am going to send out the vegan cookies with a friend when she heads to Vancouver in October. That way they are much fresher and do not have to travel by mail from Toronto.
  
• Take the first baby steps in creating a business plan for my business idea. Done! I look forward to sharing more about this in the future.
• Spend oodles of time with family and loved ones. Done! I was so fortunate to get to spend oodles and oodles of time with loved ones in July. I look forward to continuing to do so in August.
• Get reacquainted with my gratitude journal. Done! I have successfully created a gratitude journal writing habit.

August is going to be a busy month for me. I am moving at the end of the month, going on two weekend trips to Montreal and Niagara on the Lake and attempting to spend as much time as possible with loved ones.  Because of all these wonderful things are happening, I am only going to focus on one goal this month. That goal is to relaunch Ellecubed and make it more in line with who/where I am today.

I have been going back and forth for awhile about whether I should shut this blog down and start a new one or if I should just relaunch. Last week my hosting came up for renewal and was automatically paid, I took that as a sign from the universe that I should continue on with Ellecubed and not start another blog.

Ellecubed will still be about my life. But the truth is I have changed so much in the past six months and I want my blog to reflect the new and changing me. This means writing on new topics and engaging in new subjects.  Particularly I am interested in writing about body acceptance, gluten and free adventures,  the law of attraction, magic, budgeting,  technology,  style , eating disorder recovery, natural health, yoga, gratitude and the things that are making me happy.

Would you lovelies still be interested in reading if I wrote on the above topics?

Lately I have been reading a lot about the law of attraction and I have been trying to apply the law to my life. One of the activities often prescribed by the law of attraction is to describe your ideal day in full detail. Or in other words, what does a day in the life of your dreams look like? Here is what I would like my ideal day to look like:

• Wake up between 7 and 8 and make a delicious smoothie
• A short but luxurious shower completing with a tiny spritz of Coco Mademoiselle
• Half an hour to organize my day, check emails and write in my journal
• A short bike ride to work where I can feel the wind in my hair
• A job where I can spend eight hours following my passions
• A home packed lunch made of leftovers where I can eat and embrace my whimsical side
• Another bike ride to the athletic centre where I can go for a swim and work on my stroke formation
• A hearty gluten free dinner full of all good things for my tummy
• Time spent with loved ones watching a hockey game or television show or going for a walk
• A phone conversation with a lovely friend
• Meditation and gratitude journal before bed

What does your ideal day look like? Do you believe in the law of attraction?

Betty came in to my life soon after I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. I had just gotten out of the hospital and was reading through the archives of Making Love In The Kitchen when I saw that Meghan was giving away her beloved bike Betty. In her goodbye post to Betty, she invited readers to comment and say why they wanted to adopt Betty.  Feeling a connection to Betty, I wrote the following as my request for adoption:

I have been a long time reader of your blog and was recently diagnosed with Crohn’s. A huge part of what helped me through the initial shock of the diagnosis was your The Healthy Cookie. Reading it so soon after y diagnosis made me realize that I needed to change my life and live a more healthy life full of sunshine, rainbows and sparkle magic. I would like part of that life to include Betty. A bike that has been a wonderful journey and has seen first hand all of the wonderful healing and miracles that can occur. If I get to adopt Betty, I will take excellent care of her and make sure to take her to High Park and farmer’s markets regularly. I will also make sure she is a part of my healing journey.

A couple of days after writing this Meghan announced that she was giving Betty to me. Here is what she wrote:

I believe all things have energy to them and I think that right now, Lexi needs the love and energy I have given to Betty. Betty is a slow ride- but that is what makes her special. She gave me no choice but to slow down in my travels, take my time, look around, be present and enjoy the process. All key ingredients in a healing journey. Take good care of her Lexi- I know you will!

I picked Betty up a couple of days later (and got to meet the amazing Meghan, who is just as charming in person) and it was love at first sight. So far Betty and I have been to the cottage, been to Lake Ontario and gone on a trip to High Park. This summer we will definitely be going on more excursions. What I like best about riding Betty is that it allows me to slow down and really take in all of the magic that life has to offer.

I love the month of July. Partly because my birthday falls within it and partly because it has always been a month for me where my dreams come true. This July I want to stop focusing on the negative and embrace the magic that exists all around me.  Here are my goals for July:

• Find a lovely and cute 1 bedroom apartment for September 1st
• Go on one artist date per week with the theme of embracing magic
• Ride my bike Betty and write about our journey so far
• Post on this blog every weekday for the entire month
• Read and write about the FireStarter Sessions + bake a send promised vegan cookies to the lovely Danielle Laporte
• Take the first baby steps in creating a business plan for my business idea
• Spend oodles of time with family and loved ones
• Get reacquainted with my gratitude journal

What do you lovelies have as goals for July? Do you love the month of July as much as I do?

” Make it personal. I like houses that totally reflect their owners. Take some chances. Try those colours you’ve always loved but were afraid to use. What is the worst that can happen? You have to start over again? So what? Decorating is fun. And maybe you’ll learn something about yourself in the process. “

Betsey Johnson on Decoration

I gave notice on my current apartment yesterday. This means that I am one step closer to embracing my magical life by getting the apartment of my dreams and living in the town that is oh so close to my heart. I haven’t yet found this magical apartment yet but I know for sure that I will make it my perfect pink apartment.

Pictured below is the home of designer Betsey Johnson featured in Elle Decoration UK. I love the way that she was able to combine classic pieces with bright colours and her love of pink. As I search for my new home, I am going to encourage more magic in my life by embracing this type of aesthetic and Betsey’s philosophy on decoration.

How about you lovely readers? How do you embrace magic in your living space? What is your approach to decoration?

I believe in the power of the universe and that thoughts become things. Which is why when I saw this activity in Gala Darling’s Post, I thought it was a good idea to publicly post my most recent gratitude wish list. Without further ado, here is this weeks gratitude wish list:

• I am so happy and grateful that I have been able to find a lovely and cute apartment in the small town I want to move to in my price range.
• I am so happy and grateful for my loved ones and that I get to spend time with them.
• I am so happy and grateful that I was able to find a local job that suits my talents and allows me to live in a small town.
• I am so happy and grateful that I have been able to find a cute pet companion.
• I am so happy and grateful that I am able to use my skills to help others learn to cook and nourish themselves with good, healthy, whole foods.
• I am so happy and grateful that this move  is allowing me to get out of debt and save towards my future.
• I am so happy and grateful that I have been able to find a medical practitioner who is helping me to get my body back in order using natural resources and not strong scary medicines.
• I am so happy and grateful that I am  getting off of steroids.
• I am so happy and grateful that my body is healing and that I am getting stronger and stronger every day.

I want to open up a dialogue on fatness and body image as it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. For most of my life I have been what society classifies and considers obese. I have listened to the fat jokes, been scolded more times than I can remember by my doctor and medical team for my expanding waste and been stopped by strangers on the street so they could comment on and tell me about my weight and what I should do about it. Rather than giving in to the way in which society views fat people, my approach has been to love myself for who I am instead of what society wanted me to be (for example participating in the Toronto Marathon even though a number of people told me I was too fat and too out of shape too run) I have been a big proponent of the fat acceptance movement for years and even wrote my undergraduate thesis on fat acceptance and the media. This is all meant to give you a background on the perspective that I am coming from when I write this piece.

Weight has always been a hot topic in my life. But now it is a way different context and seems to be brought up on a daily basis. Because of this, I find myself struggling to come to terms with body acceptance and weight. Since getting Crohn’s, I have lost a significant amount of weight. This means that the majority of places that I go people feel the need to comment on my weight. The weight I am now. The weight I was. How wonderful it is that I have lost so much weight. How amazing I look. The majority of times someone says any of the above comments I want to scream. I get that my body has changed and they want to comment. But the multiple comments day in and day out about my weight are really starting to get to me. It has made me want to make a handout or a post-it note that reads something along these lines:

Thank you for noticing or commenting on my weight. Yes I realize that I have lost weight.  I lost the weight because of a chronic disease and if I did decide to lose weight, I would not have done it this way. No I will not give you diet tips. I am not on a diet!!! Please do not mention my weight again. K THX BYE

I wont be handing these out any time soon but the urge is there often. Especially to those in my life who have taken it upon themselves to make comparisons between us and start complaining about how it was so easy for me and how all they want is to lose weight and it is not fair blah blah blah. These conversations make me question my sanity and want to bang my head against the wall. They also make me realize how much hatred and disgust they have their bodies. When I take a step back and breathe, I try to approach the conversations with a mix of hopefulness and body acceptance rallying. But most times it ends up being a circular conversation that comes back to body hatred.

Body hatred it seems is pervasive these days. Since my diagnosis, I have had to go to the GI specialist rather frequently. The hospital where I see my GI is also home to the largest weight loss surgery centre in Toronto. Each time I go to see the specialist, I share the waiting room with a number of people who are waiting for some part of the weight loss surgery process. Since I am a personable person and love chatting, I have struck up a number of conversations with these wonderful people. The majority of them tell the same story. They have struggled all of their lives with weight and this is the only the option because otherwise they will never be loved. How messed up is it that we live in a society that allows people to think that the only way for them to ever be loved is to have a Frankenstein like surgery that will damage their bodies and cause numerous long term impacts?

The comments on my weight make me driven to action on a larger scale. I don’t think people should have the right to judge other people for their bodies or for how they look. I think people need to stop looking at other people and saying you need to change this this and this. Or if only you did this, you would look wonderful. Why can’t people just keep their mouths shut and let people be how they are? Does the person doing the judging really think you are going to make a difference to someone if you tell them that they would look so much better if only the put down the cookie they were eating or did more sit ups? The reality is that person will likely go home and do one of two things 1. Bitch to someone about how much of an inconsiderate asshole the judgemental person is or 2. Use the comment as a reason to internalize more hatred against themselves.

It took me a long time to learn that internalizing self hatred is not good for anyone. There is enough fat hatred out in the world without redirecting the hate towards ourselves. What I am proposing is a REVOLUTION. It is time for all of us regardless of our sizes to stand up and say that body hatred needs to stop. It is time to speak up when we hear someone being put down. It is time to be an example by loving ourselves. It is time to change and let society know that fat hatred/fat speak/putting people down will not be allowed.

I am going to start by loving myself and doing my best to show my body more and more love each day.

What about you? How can you show yourself love today? Is there a way you have been perpetuating hate against yourself or others? What can you do to challenge this? What are your thoughts on this subject.

I am not the only one who has written on this subject. There are also a number of lovely bloggers who have been writing about this subject lately. Here are the articles that I have found inspirational as of late for some bonus reading:

• I’d Rather Be Chubby by Meghan Telpner of Making Love In The Kitchen
• Fatties, I Challenge You; In Fact, I Dare You by Marianne Kirby of The Rotund (which has ample of similar amazing articles + a wonderful podcast)
• Fat Rant by  Tasha at the Voracious Vegan
• How to Deal With Unwanted Body Commentary and My Thoughts on Body Acceptance by Gena of Choosing Raw

“You will stumble into the path that will lead your life to happiness.”

It has been two and a half months since I last posted here. I never intended to go on a blogging break let alone a nearly three month blogging break but the universe had a different plan for me. Since my last post I got really sick, spent just under a month in the hospital, began my healing journey and stumbled upon the greatest happiness of my life.

The Diagnosis

Over the past year I have blogged and tweeted about my health struggles. Some time last year I was diagnoses with kidney disease. But the truth is that diagnosis never really sat well with me. Although I did have kidney related symptoms, my doctor was never able to give me concrete proof that it was my kidneys that were the problem. Plus I continued to have other symptoms such as night time fever and GI track upset month in to treatment for my so called kidney disease. I brought this up to my doctor over and over and each time she assured that it was kidney disease and the the treatment just took time. I naively listened and continued to get worse. Near the end of March, my health went from bad to worse. I began throwing up multiple times a day, I couldn’t eat, my throat became covered in sore spots and the GI symptoms that began as slightly annoying turned into a 20-30 times a day habit. This led me to hospital number one (the most reputable in Toronto)  where I was told that my symptoms were nothing more than a virus and was put on IV liquids. Three days later with no relief, exhausted and full of tears I went to the hospital closest to my house.  Within about twenty minutes I was admitted to the hospital, had IV’s in me and was undergoing a number of tests.

I don’t remember much about the first couple of days at the hospital. I know that I had my loved ones around me at all times, that my liver was in failure, I was in and out of consciousness and that they suspected that my GI symptoms were the cause of me being so sick.  I do however remember my fifth day in the hospital. It was the day that I finally got a diagnosis. The cause of all of my symptoms was Crohn’s Disease.

Crohn’s is a chronic auto-immune disease that causes inflammation and ulcerations anywhere in the digestive track. Currently there is no cure but there are a number of things that can be done to control and prevent flare ups.

The Healing Journey Begins

My healing journey got off to a bit off a rocky start. Because I was still technically not out of the woods and was having bouts of going in and out of consciousness, all my medical decisions in the first couple of days were made by my medical proxy and not by me.  I was out of it when the decision was made to put me on steroids. A decision which means that I will have to be on steroids for the next six months because you can’t just stop taking steroids, you have to wean off.

But there is much more to my healing journey than medicine. Being diagnosed with Crohn’s has allowed me to learn more and reconnect with my body. Restorative yoga, meditation, mindful eating, rest, bike riding and acupuncture have all become integral parts of my life. In doing and embracing these activities, my mindset and my outlook on life has already changed so much. Because these things are becoming so entrenched in my life, you will likely notice that I will be writing more about them.

Stumbling on Happiness

Even though I was so happy to finally have answers, when I finally digested the news I was filled with fear and sadness. I longed for the life I had a year ago back. I wanted to be free of pain and symptoms and to not have to know the words “steroids” “chronic” and “incurable.”  But after letting the diagnosis marinate for awhile, I realized that is not my journey and I am not the type of person to just let some disease beat me. So I decided that I would not let the disease take over my life and I would heal and thrive on my terms.

Once I decided to heal and thrive on my own terms, it was like the universe opened up and embraced me in a huge hug. I have since realized how much this entire experience has changed me. I have gotten rid of the toxic people in my life and embraced the people who love and care for me unconditionally. I have renewed my passion for alternative health and gotten on track to go back to school to study it. I have stumbled upon my inner goddess and been able to find inspiration in her radiance. I have found happiness.

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Thank you so much for reading this post. I am not really sure what direction I am going to take this blog in now but I know that it will definitely focus on healing and happiness and all the things that are present in my life now. Here are a few random notes that didn’t quite fit in the post:

1. Thank you to all you lovelies who sent me Emails and Tweets and other words of encouragement. Your thoughts and words meant the world to me and encouraged me when I was feeling down.

2. If any of you lovelies have any personal experience or know anyone with Crohn’s, I would love to hear about it either in the comments or email.  I find it so helpful to hear other people’s stories.

3. Thank you to all of you for reading and commenting and for sticking with Ellecubed through this long long break. I look forward to regularly blogging and interacting again

Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds. You mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you’re getting fat, and maybe it’s been raining too long. You’re just sad, that’s all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you’re afraid, and you don’t know what you’re afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling??

I have a case of the mean reds. This particular case of the mean reds has left me gripping for authenticity and not wanting to sugar coat things. You see I try really hard to focus on the good and positive things in my life. But sometimes the mean reds slip in and I am left with a big pile of grief, fear and anger.  My usual response to the mean reds is to pretend that they are not happening, to completely ignore my feelings and go on pretending that I am okay and everything is happy and dandy.

I give myself permission to authentically express my emotions

I give myself permission to have the mean reds and not hide that I am having them

Today I am sad and grieving. I am missing my beloved friend and coming to grips with the fact that she is no longer a part of my present or future. I am listening to Melancholy Blue and remembering how my life was with her and recognizing the pain of living without her.

Today I am angry. Angry for the little girl that I was who was unable to fight back. Angry that my body now holds within it the marks of years of trauma. Angry that justice is an uneven process and I have to fight like hell to get it.

Today I am scared. Scared about the future. Scared about who I am becoming (even though I know  she is wonderful and authentic). Scared about what I am leaving behind.

This post is a response to this weeks Wishcasting prompt by the lovely Jamie Ridler. This week she asks, “What do you wish to give yourself permission for?”

It is time for another Happy List inspired by the lovely Jamie Ridler and the Happy Book Mail-Around. As the weeks go on, I am getting quite excited about the Happy Book arriving here in Toronto. I have so many wonderful things planned to do with it. Here is what is making me happy this week:

• Being honest: back when we did The Joy Diet, I realized how important it was to speak and live my truth. Somewhere between then and last week, I forgot that lesson. For the past week I have been practicing speaking my truth and it has made me so much happier and has made things much less complicated. For example in therapy I was constantly trying to please my therapist and tell her what I thought she wanted to hear. When I finally spoke up and told her what it was that I was feeling and what I wanted to address, our session became completely different and much more healing.
• Snow: Toronto is known for being quite a snowy place in the winter. This winter however, there really hasn’t been a lot of snow. We got ten centimetres of snow today and it making me grin from ear to ear. Mostly because it means that I can build a snowman, go snowboarding and drink copious amounts of hot drinks.
• The rest in no particular order: watching my favourite Gilmore Girls episodes; reading by candlelight; warm fuzzy mittens, reading questions and answers on Formspring; warm sheets fresh out of the dryer; Pushing Daisies; Gala Darling’s Love and Sequins Podcast; massages; The amazing people I converse with regularly on Twitter; Meeting with other survivors and hearing their stories; social work classes; Mary Oliver’s poetry; Morning pages; Tumblr; realizing how much I have to be grateful for; friends who drop by, leave texts and phone me about gluten free discoveries; receiving surprise hand written notes in the mail; making surprise snail mail packages; reading about Carolyn’s vegan journey on her new blog; the book Gluten Free Girl; setting intentions for the week & finding notes from my darling all around my apartment.

What about you lovelies? What is making you happy this week?